Colonoscopy Primer

I had a colonoscopy the other day; two days before Thanksgiving to be exact. What a mistake. From now on, I will always look at the calendar before setting a date for any procedure.
As you probably have heard, the prep is worse than the procedure. Much worse.

The day before the colonoscopy, you’re required to be on a clear liquid diet. Basically, if you can see through it, you can have it, except if it’s red or purple.

You have to drink this horrible crap that tastes like ocean water with a poor excuse for lemon flavoring added in. Once you prepare and drink this disgusting concoction, you better plan to hang out within inches of your toilet.

At this point, allow me to interject some thoughts for the well stocked bathroom. You will want to have the softest, strongest toilet paper on the market. The ones that are infused with aloe and vitamin E are best, and buy a large package of the double rolls. If you’ve thought ahead, perhaps you were clever enough to buy one of those soft, puffy toilet seats. After a few hours, you’ll really appreciate this purchase.

Since you will be calling your bathroom home for several hours, you’ll want some creature comforts. Have some magazines, mail order catalogs (You could actually do all of your Christmas shopping during this time.), or a good book within reach. A crossword puzzle book will keep your mind off your troubles, too. Of course you’ll want some nicely scented candles and some wonderfully scented body wash for ‘later’. Have a big mug of ice water handy too. If you have a way to haul your TV into the bathroom, that’s not a bad idea. Who knows, the weather could take a turn for the worse while you’re occupied and you’ll want to stay informed.

After your several hour toilet stint, you’ll really appreciate the nicely scented candles and the delicious smelling body wash. Believe me, you will want to take a shower! A large glass of white wine is good at this point, but take your shower first and head for your bed, taking the wine with you. You’ll feel very weak.

Don’t move anything when you’re finished because you’ll need to repeat this whole process early in the morning. Yeah.

The hospital admission and the procedure are pretty mundane. The recovery room, however is quite a circus. The nurses attempt to wake you up as soon as you’re rolled into recovery. The first thing you hear is a nurse asking, very loudly, if you’d like cranberry juice, apple juice or ice water. My woozy response was, cocoa. Who knows where that came from.

After a few minutes, a nurse returns to try, once again, to wake you and get a reasonable response. I wasn’t giving in so easily. My co-pay was $75.00. I planned on taking a nice, long nap at the very least.

Then, I got my wake up call.

“How you doing at expelling that gas, Mr. Jones?”

What was that?

Then, I realized I was in the middle of a flatulence festival, full of groggy patients, emitting random blasts of gas to release the air that was pumped into them during their colonoscopy.

“Nurse…check, please.”

“Mr. Jones”. the nurse called, “remember there’s a wall behind you. Try not to blow a hole through it ’cause they’ll make me repair it.”

Just then, my husband came in, my IV was removed and my wheelchair magically appeared. Yeah! Time to go home.